I know some of you might’ve thought you were watching an off Broadway Tron musical gone array last night, but fear not, what you were actually watching was ,what will go down in history as, the world’s greatest anti-drug PSA as well as a hilarious roast to the legend himself, Mr. Patrick Swayze.
It’s was never a secret that the Black Eye Peas started off as a methlab doo-wop group, but in case anyone doubted their roots, last night they brought us a show so horrible it could only be traced back to one type of crystal. I’m not sure where to start so I’ll just dive right into it and say: WOW! For years I’ve been waiting for the Polyphonic Spree to join forces with the Heaven’s Gate Cult, and I’ll be god-damned if Marshall fucking Applewhite himself wasn’t out there last night dancing his heart out, sweating out all the poisoned kool-aid, searching for that next level ride on a comet, and giving me the chills. I, for one, was extremely happy to see the NFL was able to talk them into coming back for one last dance.
Did anyone else lose themselves in the sea of white vs red blood cells battling to rid the stadium of musical AIDS? Of course you did. In fact, you were so busy watching the virus spread around that I’m betting you missed the ultimate tribute to Dirty Dancing. Here’s a fun tip, right around (5:30) just when you see the magic glimmer in Fergie’s eye, if you mute and play the video backwards while listening to “Hungry Eyes” you’ll see Patrick Swayze’s corpse on wires being lowered down, and ever so gracefully dangle above the stage, and then SWOOSH! much like a shooting star, he’s whisked away back up to heaven, or perhaps Hale Bopp.
The night wasn’t all magic, dancing, smiles, and lasers. As many of you probably noticed there was a very dark force present throughout the halftime show. No longer lurking the shadows and patrolling the streets for fresh blood, the Black Eye Peas freakiest member, finally stepped into the spotlight and even spoke a word or 3. I know! You guys, meet Taboo, the real rape threat of the game last night….
Take a minute. Check the stance. Check the soulless eyes. Check the WHAT THE FUCK! Why does he have, not ONE but TWO, serial killer props? Can’t say I’ve seen anything quite like this featuring the OG raper, Big Ben. So I got to thinking….
2 rapers under 1 dome. The odds are good but the goods are odd. And you’re telling me I can either get raped by Taboo or Ben Roethlisberger? I’ll speak for the entire female population when I say I would rather take 5 swirlies, no breathers, from Ben in a bathroom stall than even french that mindfreak Taboo aka Andrea Yates.
The good news in all of this is there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Future halftime shows simply can’t get any worse. In proving so, next year the NFL has announced the banger of all bangers, halftime show will include a feathered Yoko Ono performing haiku, 3 heyenas fucking (tastefully) on stage, and 2 balloons being vigorously rubbed together.
In loving memory.