Interestingly enough, a few days ago, footage from a gothic/industrial night popped up on the ole HOR, and intrigue ran through the site faster than heroin through a trust fundee’s veins. What many of the HOR legions didn’t know was that they had stepped into the black hornet’s nest of DIY industrial dance videos. This is taking the word “viral” to a whole different level…..And that’s where I come in.

To get my taint all frothy for this post, I’m listening to And One’s “Panzermensch,” at this very moment. Yes, gothic industrial is a whole other country, as is its bizarre memery of plastic hair tossing dance youtube fodder. These people are like if suburban Taco Bell fans escaped from their birth inside a Rockstar Game. Here, then, is my first installment on this subject, of which, plans are murky, but I will devote another post entirely to gas masked dance video’s to Eisenfunk’s “Pong.” (No, I won’t link to it. You’ll just have to wait and find out…)

So, as you all settle in with your 8 balls, to prepare for a forgettable evening out on the town, let’s go over a few Pointer Sister worthy new moves, shall we?……

According to this little gem, it’s an introductory tutorial on how to dance to industrial music. What do we learn from this video? If you are going to make a tutorial on dancing to industrial, you should probably actually be able to do that first. This guy spends most of his film debut trying to remember where he is in space and time, (as well as navigating a pair of pants stolen from the set of, “Killer Clowns From Outer Space.”)

Now that you’re all warmed up, let’s moved on to something a little more advanced, shall we? Here we have a gothdustrial in its native setting of a cozy suburban spare room, with tasteful all white bathroom off to the right. You will have to get your own Mortal Combat stormtrooper outfit, but try to keep up with the sinister hand gestures. You never know when you’ll need to be dramatic while pointing to the big bite you’re trying to order. (And, in case you’re wondering, no, the colors aren’t changing. You just got dosed with Simba.)

Too much, too soon you say? Slow down you say? Ok, ok, let’s get back to the basics, and talk about how you can develop your own Blade extra party sequence man00verz. First, you should probably dress like Cyndi Lauper getting attacked by birthday ribbon. Next, remember, industrial dancing is serious, and you need to spend as many hours in the day doing these emphatic thrusts as you can. DO THIS IN PUBLIC AND AT RESTAURANTS!

Ok, now that we’ve had some real tae kwon do, and a heart to heart, let’s get some friends involved shall we? It’s important to always have a properly retarded cyborg nazi to get down in the club with. This is important because your posse is what makes you look good. And what makes you look good, is what ultimately will get you laid. (Please FF past the unbearable talking on this one….)

I think it’s time for you to take your new found skillset to the streets, and show the world what luxuriously plump arms you have:

Don’t be afraid to experiment with new settings and styles:

Finally, remember, Industrial dancing is serious. If you have enough heart, and funny, clown pants, you too can form your own dance crew, and take over the world. Then your father will finally respect you:

Don’t forget to practice these sweet moves while skipping math class. Until next time, keep your hair dreaded, your pants puffy, your goggles glowing, and your sense of self-awareness in a total void…..

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