I still don’t get the idea of Valentines Day. When I was in Elementary and middle school Valentines day was the shit. An afternoon wasted away while we setup brown paper bags that we decorated and then went to each desk dropping off Valentine cards. Didn’t have to do any work, just sat around and ate candy while shuffling through the valentine cards I received throwing away the ones from people I disliked and keeping the ones I got from hot girls thinking I was the only one they gave one to. Then in High School they did away with that. The fuck? Now I gotta be pro active and ask a girl out? Pre-drivers license days I had to come up with a lie to my mom for her to take me to the mall so I can meet up with a girl under the story that I was going to the arcade. Instead of Full House themed Valentine day cards with Danny Tanners face in a heart, I have to buy an entire box of chocolates? This fuckin blows.
I don’t know what happened to Valentines day but it’s gotten even worse since I was in high school. Today Companies and the media have turned V-day into a testicle vice grip for guys. Every commercial I hear for either flowers, jewelry, chocolates, or stuffed animals always use the phrase “Impress her”. Like a guy can’t do that during the other 364 days out of the year? ”Give her a Valentines day gift she’ll never forget” Really? Until next year and you gotta do something to top that. It’s bullshit, just a marketing campaign that has played to the advantage of Corporations and women that if you don’t go above and beyond, you’re just another schmuck. I know I probably sound like a grouch and I’m not saying that guys shouldn’t do anything. Ladies, if a guy gets a shitty box of chocolates and farts himself to sleep on the couch then yeah, he’s doing it wrong. Guys fall into the corporate marketing trap thinking that if you don’t make Valentines Day into a second anniversary and treat her like it’s her sweet 16 birthday gift wise, then she’s not going to blow you. If that’s the kind of relationship you’re in, you should break the glass and hit the eject button. I can complain all I want to, but it’s not going to change anything. Those Companies still make cheddar hand over fist. There are some stuffed animal companies that are only open 3 months out of the year then outsource their customer service 9 months out of the year when business dies down…… on February 15th. If you’re with someone, how about you do Valentines Day the way you two want whether it’s going out to dinner and movie or just fucking like alley cats while Antique Road Show is on TV. Don’t feed into the corporate agenda.
Now if you’re single, then Valentines Day is known as Thursday, the day before Friday. Most singles don’t like that they aren’t spending Valentines Day with someone special, for those people I say grab your Binaca spray and pocket comb because this posts is for you! I did all the heavy lifting, taking it back to the old school by scavenging the internet and selecting 7 Valentines Day cards that will have you shacked up with someone before lunch.
6. 5. Now this one probably won’t get you far but this is a personal favorite of mine. Greg the Hammer VALENTINE was an awesome WWF wrestler in the 80′s and also looks like every white trash Florida mom over 40. 4.