Reeds Lucky 7: The Internets best Valentines day cards

Posted on 02/14/2013 by Jake Komara

I still don’t get the idea of Valentines Day. When I was in Elementary and middle school Valentines day was the shit. An afternoon wasted away while we setup brown paper bags that we decorated and then went to each desk dropping off Valentine cards. Didn’t have to do any work, just sat around and ate candy while shuffling through the valentine cards I received throwing away the ones from people I disliked and keeping the ones I got from hot girls thinking I was the only one they gave one to. Then in High School they did away with that. The fuck? Now I gotta be pro active and ask a girl out? Pre-drivers license days I had to come up with a lie to my mom for her to take me to the mall so I can meet up with a girl under the story that I was going to the arcade. Instead of Full House themed Valentine day cards with Danny Tanners face in a heart, I have to buy an entire box of chocolates? This fuckin blows.

I don’t know what happened to Valentines day but it’s gotten even worse since I was in high school. Today Companies and the media have turned V-day into a testicle vice grip for guys. Every commercial I hear for either flowers, jewelry, chocolates, or stuffed animals always use the phrase “Impress her”. Like a guy can’t do that during the other 364 days out of the year? ”Give her a Valentines day gift she’ll never forget” Really? Until next year and you gotta do something to top that. It’s bullshit, just a marketing campaign that has played to the advantage of Corporations and women that if you don’t go above and beyond, you’re just another schmuck. I know I probably sound like a grouch and I’m not saying that guys shouldn’t do anything. Ladies, if a guy gets a shitty box of chocolates and farts himself to sleep on the couch then yeah, he’s doing it wrong. Guys fall into the corporate marketing trap thinking that if you don’t make Valentines Day into a second anniversary and treat her like it’s her sweet 16 birthday gift wise, then she’s not going to blow you. If that’s the kind of relationship you’re in, you should break the glass and hit the eject button. I can complain all I want to, but it’s not going to change anything. Those Companies still make cheddar hand over fist. There are some stuffed animal companies that are only open 3 months out of the year then outsource their customer service 9 months out of the year when business dies down…… on February 15th. If you’re with someone, how about you do Valentines Day the way you two want whether it’s going out to dinner and movie or just fucking like alley cats while Antique Road Show is on TV. Don’t feed into the corporate agenda.

Now if you’re single, then Valentines Day is known as Thursday, the day before Friday. Most singles don’t like that they aren’t spending Valentines Day with someone special, for those people I say grab your Binaca spray and pocket comb because this posts is for you! I did all the heavy lifting, taking it back to the old school by scavenging the internet and selecting 7 Valentines Day cards that will have you shacked up with someone before lunch.

7.
6. 5. Now this one probably won’t get you far but this is a personal favorite of mine. Greg the Hammer VALENTINE was an awesome WWF wrestler in the 80′s and also looks like every white trash Florida mom over 40. 4.
3.
2.

Hope these work for you!

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Reeds Lucky 7: The Model Mayhem All Stars PART 3

Posted on 10/31/2012 by Jake Komara

An event so terrifying, we can only do it once a year. What better time to do it than on the scariest time of year, Halloween! We don’t even need to decorate or have a Halloween related theme because what we’ve got lined up for you will spook you enough. For those who aren’t familiar with this epic saga, Model Mayhem is a site for aspiring “models” to upload photo’s of themselves in a Myspace style layout in hopes that photographers and Companies will hire them for modeling work. Sounds like a good idea at the time until we cruised through the pages to find some of the most ghoulish creatures on the web. The best way to put it is that it is to modeling what Myspace was for aspiring rappers, Not Pretty. To be fair, there are members on there who just want to post pictures of themselves but aren’t looking to be models so we left those accounts alone. For the ones who are trying to get into Victoria Secret, Game on! Here are the seven best we found in our latest Model Mayhem Findings.

Murica! This aspiring model is trying her best to get hired by either Budweiser or Goodyear. Nothing like posing in a Hot Wheels store next to a Dale Earnhardt poster strung in a two piece. No shoes, No shirt, No booking! Somebody wash please that floor before she gets an infection.

I don’t know who would go hunting dressed like that unless she’s a gogo dancer who does a routine after a hunter scores a kill. Sweetie, for the love of god, keep the shotgun away from your face. *Whispers* Murica…..!

Alice in I wonder what the hell you are doing this for in a “model shoot” Unless Disney is casting a porno, put your skirt down.

Speaking pull your skirt down, we even got models for the raver demographic as well. Not much I can add here other than a Plur-tastic candy raver bent over a swing showcasing her Hell No Kitty underwear. Hopefully she follows in Dubstep’s footsteps and just disappears from peoples memory.

Oh Latoya, why? I don’t know if this is a modeling photo or a bad Myspace blingee. I think my work is done here but I did notice that she has the same body frame as a DOMO

RIP, she died doing what she loved, modeling for Ziplock.

AND NOW FOR THE ALL TIME WORST MODEL MAYHEM PICTURE EVER FOUND ON THEIR SERVER………… Yep, that just happened. Excuse me, I just need to rest this here for a minute…

That concludes part 3. You have a year to recover and get ready for the next one god willing Model Mayhem is still around. With portfolios like these, it’s highly doubtful.

Catch past Model Mayhem Posts.

PART 2

PART 1

Have any ones you would like to share? message them on the HEAD OF ROTHCHILD FB PAGE

Oh yeah, get high

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Reeds Lucky 7: A tribute to the “Mexican Sharpie” PART 2!

Posted on 08/21/2012 by Jake Komara

I think this sequel is long overdue considering part one was one of the most successful post in HOR history. The time has finally come to raise the bar on what we have called “The Mexican Sharpie” eyebrow. This time we are going to cross racial barrier lines looking for the worst eyebrows we could find on the internet and the ladies did not disappoint. With that said, lets get right into it!

7. This is a pretty common photo going around the internet but it made the cut because of the straight, basic line form. Other than her being a convict, she would probably be pretty cool to hang out with because you could never tell if she was upset or not by her eyebrows. Just straight chill 24/7. Ill keep it 100 with you, she looks like a mean mother fucker though.

Switching the style up a bit we go with a more juggalo looking girl who is displaying a textbook bike handle bar lineup which goes high enough that it’s basically on the broads forehead. Just like the juggalo’s, once your on, you’re family, Whew WHEEW!

5.RIP JUNIOR SEAU

“Hand me the pencil thin sharpie” she says before heading down to the Borough Park of New York. As if she doesn’t have enough going on up there, she gets bonus points for hookin up the lips.

3. I know already this one is going to get my inbox blown up with hate mail but fuck it, I couldn’t resist. I can see the emails now…. “You must really have a lot of time on your hands to do stuff like this” <— YES! I do! In fact, I even took the time to sharpie eyebrow up Jabba just to keep it real. DJREEDROTHCHILD@GMAIL.COM

2. I don’t know what the race or gender of this is but I do know I’m going to lose sleep and maybe get a weird boner if I keep starring at it. This is like an Alice Cooper meets Divine Savor. I put her at number two because her face and makeup remind me of one of those airbrush T-shirts you used to buy on the boardwalk at Ocean City so, I wanted to keep it kind of local.

AND NOW FOR NUMBER 1!

Anthony Fuckin Davis Yo. Technically he shouldn’t even be on this list because he doesn’t use a sharpie but I felt it was necessary as public service announcement to shed light on this bama’s eyebrows. Since I have the floor in a pro-eyebrow forum, I’m sabotaging the final spot to make sure the world knows about Anthony Davis’s eyebrows. Now if he was just some regular dude, I wouldn’t say anything but this guy was an All-American top high school basketball player then went on to win a National Championship with Kentucky and STILL NOBODY told this dude to shape up that bluebird he got soaring on his forehead. This dude looks like an athletic Eli Porter. Come on B, just hit the middle up once, just once. Now you’re in the NBA so I gotta see that shit for possibly the next 5-10 years? You were the number one pick so I know you got cake so how the FUCK do you explain this?

Look at this shark toothed bastard. I’ve seen Bulldogs with with better teeth lining. Please tell me you’re gettin this shit fixed, Anthony PLEASE. Anyway, it’s got to the point that I’m not even talking about eyebrows anymore. So that’s my latest and greatest Top 7 in the infamous Reed’s Lucky 7 series. In case you missed part one, you can see it below.

Reeds Lucky 7: A tribute to the Mexican Sharpie

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Reeds Lucky 7: Accidental Chinese Hipsters (Best of)

Posted on 01/24/2012 by Jake Komara

In case you’ve been living under a cyber rock, one the greatest websites ever created is a site called ACCIDENTAL CHINESE HIPSTERS. The Tumblr page was founded by Alison Kuo, a teacher currently living in New York teaching English as a second language. With some of her family living in Hong Kong, she has visited there frequently since she was a kid exposing her to the diverse culture’s from both sides of the globe. She noticed that the Chinese style has a combination of people liking bold colors then like to parlaying it with another thing they may like regardless if it matches. Basically, the fashion police in the States wouldn’t have a jail big enough to hold it’s convicts so instead we have her website which documents these glorious people. This Lucky 7 list is Hall of Fame selection of my favorite Accidental Chinese Hipsters.

6. 5.
4.
3.
2.
1.

I highly recommend you check out her site to see the ones that didn’t make the cut here, but are amazing nonetheless.

ACCIDENTAL CHINESE HIPSTERS

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Reeds Lucky 7 of the most Busted Women I’ve seen on the Internets Part 3

Posted on 11/16/2011 by Jake Komara

One of the greatest bits on the H.O.R. has returned for a special dedicated to the most busted women on the internet who can scare the ever-loving shit out of people just by showing up. In this “Nip Tuck” edition, we pay homage to the busted, insecure broads who just can’t come to grips with the aging process and mirrors.

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting a definite Number Munchers vibe here. Troggle Swag. The Oakland Raiders eyeliner compliment her serial killer smile. No doubt she’s a Trogglus Assistus.

Looks like Lou Diamond Phillips caught a felony charge and decided to get plastic surgery to avoid capture so he can begin a new life somewhere in Southwest Asia. So much for a La Bamba 2. *shakes fist towards the sky*

I don’t even know where to start with this one. Check out her bedazzled bra from the Andrew Dice Clay fall collection. Also, nothing says America more than a gold and diamond dog tag to let people know you once served 2 tours at Saks Fifth Avenue. Her tanning bed has two settings, George Lopez and George Hamilton.

It didn’t take long for Muammar Gaddafi to insert himself back into the life cycle but he’s back, rebuilt, and stronger than ever. The “LOL” backstory on this thing is that she was addicted to plastic surgery. When her South Korean surgeon refused to stop performing operations, she then injected cooking oil into her face. I would love to see video of her supportive friends giving her the “you can hardly notice” talk.

I like to think of her as Chernobyl Snookie. The regular genetic disaster MTV shore Snookie we’ve all learned to hate except things got wacky after spending the Summer near the post Japan Earthquake nuclear power plant where instead of tanning bed rays, she got gamma rays morphing her body into the picture above.

This specimen looks like a gold Hersey Kiss wrapper. Obviously the gym she works out at to acquire those heroin addict arms doesn’t have any mirrors in the joint. Gonna be honest, I can’t tell if she’s even alive in this photo. In case you aren’t familiar with her film work, I’m pretty sure she was Goro in the Mortal Kombat movies…

Which brings us to our final and yet by far the most hideous out of all of our women. This is the only lady on the planet who can make a grown man puke and cry at the same time.

God damn Lil Kim version 2.0, the greatest travesty out of any operation ever performed. Kim’s “Hardcore” album covergot me through high school when the 14.4k connection wasn’t getting it done and now we’re stuck with this. She went into the surgeons office as Lil Kim and left as Kim Fields. There is no god.

Thats all my stomach can handle for today. In case you missed the first two parts you can catch up by clicking below. I would proceed with caution though.

PART 1

PART 2

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Coming this Halloween…..

Posted on 09/20/2011 by Jake Komara

The epic third installment in the Reeds Lucky 7 series…….THE MOST BUSTED WOMEN IVE SEEN ON THE INTERNETS PART 3! With special guest commentary from our very own Mary Ann Barry. In case you missed the previous posts, I suggest you get up to speed and your stomachs ready…

PART 1

PART 2

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Reeds Lucky 7: The Model Mayhem All Stars – PART 2

Posted on 06/27/2011 by Jake Komara

Make it Stop!

I had no idea how big of a gold mine that Model Mayhem is for this blog. The Long anticipated sequel is finally here thanks to some of the readers who submitted photos. Also, shout out to lazy Fridays were I finally got a chance to relax and sort out the photography Mayhem. In case you missedTHE FIRST MODEL MAYHEM, this is where we find the best and by best, I mean worst of the self proclaimed “models” who post photos on the site. You probably have one or two of these girls on Facebook who take corny photos of themselves and claim their on a “photo shoot”. Come the fuck on son. Model Mayhem should be thanking me because it’s the only publicity these girls are going to get.

There is so much going on here I don’t know where to start. “I think if we take you down to the bowling alley it would be a an opportunity to get some really good shots, plus they have video poker” If your legs and shins look like little league bats then perhaps this isn’t the pose for you. Peep game on the guerilla feet. Guerilla feet occurs when a girl wears heels that are to small for her feat. It cause the toes to hang over the shoe and setting evolution back a couple million years. When you’re done embarrassing yourself, grab your server tray because the guy on machine three needs a cocktail.

Looks like she’s trying to get modeling work from either Nokia or Charmin. I know one thing, it looks like she’s in the middle of dropping an epic deuce because she threw her shopping bag down and decided to call a friend and tell her about the upcoming splash.

Not much going on here unless a boulder fell from above and dislocated her shoulder. I don’t understand why girls pose like this? It looks hella unnatural and uncomfortable.

If you can work up the will to look at her face you can see that she is the love child of Willie Nelson and comedian Jeffrey Ross.

I need a cold drink, of ice water. (Yes I cried in the theater)
http://youtu.be/S7zuMMuFjpA

The more you look at this photo, the more amazing you will find. I’ve been looking at this gem all weekend and I still can’t figure out what the fuck is going on here. Any ideas??

If G.E. ever needs a model for their lightbulb line then look no further. It’s 2011 can we make a move to lose the Nazi boots? But wait, photo shop magic straight ahead.

What do you think of this batch? if you see and winners or just overall cunts on Facebook who claim to be “models” and want to see them on the next go around please email them to DJREEDROTHCHILD@GMAIL.COM

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Reeds Lucky 7: YOU ARE NOT NICKI MINAJ

Posted on 03/17/2011 by Jake Komara

Whatever that is, I think it's having a stroke

I’m pretty bipolar when it comes to Nicki Minaj. At first I couldn’t stand her but after listening to her latest album, I can at least understand what she’s going for. There were a couple songs I like and thats being generous. I see her gimmick and the image her label is putting out there and in this day of mainstream hype, it doesn’t surprise me how she got where she is now. However, sometimes she acts in certain ways that makes me wish she was on that plane instead of Aaliyah. How do you not want to spin kick her wig off when she does the dungeon dragon hook or starts talking in an english accent? At the end of the day you just have to accept the fact that she is a product of a manufactured character created by a record label and PR company. Nothing me and any of you are going to lose sleep over. Then someone put me on to her fan base. Part of her schtick is that she portrays herself as a Barbie doll like character which is basically wearing off color wigs and putting enough make up on to look like a certified ass clown. I started realizing that her fans where trying to copy her image the same way teens try to mirror Lady Gaga by dressing up like a satellite dish wrapped in shit wiped aluminum foil. I saw this style slowly start to spread as I would start to walk home from my weekend gigs in Adams Morgan. For those of you who aren’t familiar with that area, It’s basically like having a front row seat at the Paris fashion show but with god awful clothing that makes TJ Max look like Neiman Marcus. I kept wondering why black girls were all of a sudden were caking on blue and pink make up and wearing florescent colored wigs.

There is an entire movement that involves black female and male (just wait) Nicki Minaj fans who go out trying to dress like her in every way. It’s referred to as “Barbies” The good news for all of us who love a good train wreck is that 0% of the people who are doing this can pull it off. Then again I don’t think there is anything you can do to execute this look without looking like a total douche. After doing more research, I was blown away at some of the Barbies that are out there on the internet. I have almost a hundred pics of total disaster human beings so this edition of “Reeds Luck 7″ has got to be the some of the toughest decisions I have ever had to make…….In life. So without further adieu, I give you the best (WORST) Barbies.

This is a great warm up of whats yet to come. The best part is that I didn’t photo shop the text above. She did that. At least she’s honest, and hungry.

Still haven’t figured out what this thing is. I guess you’ll have to Westminster dog show it by reaching back and praying to the lord above you don’t grab balls. Although, the odds aren’t in your favor.

Wait a second. I didn’t know Roxy Cottontail had a black half sister?

Look out Double Dragon fans. The Abobo sisters are looking for Billy and Jimmy. Now Those two are a Mothafuckin Monster!

New from Mattel, It’s Crypt Keeper Barbie! Comes with Funeral Fun Parlor Playhouse (Rigor Mortis SOLD SEPARATELY)

Sometimes math is just too easy. AND LAST BUT DAMN SURE NOT LEAST…….

Oh Heeeell no. Wait a second, where did he get the wagon from? RA RA! LIKE A DUNGEON DRAG-QUEEN! RA RA! LIKE A DUNGEON DRAG-QUEEN!

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Reeds Lucky 7: The Model Mayhem All-Stars

Posted on 02/17/2011 by Jake Komara

Model Mayhem is a site designed for females who enjoy living the daily denial of ever becoming a professional model. It delivers a similar dream to Hip hop “artists” who think they can make it big on Myspace. What inspired me to write this post up is due to the fact that my social networking streams have been cluttered with females who are claiming to be “models”. Just because some guy with a camera says he wants to take pictures of you standing on a rooftop parking garage while you look at the sky, hands on your hips, elbows awkwardly pointing out, with your eyes looking upwards like Bobs Big Boy, DOESN’T mean you are a professional model. By the way, that camera man is just adding to his portfolio, of jack material. You want to know why you never meet a photographer who isn’t a creep? Because all the normal photographers are busy working for money, and can pass a background/sex registry check. Before some of you bitter females jump down my throat please note that this is towards a delusional few. If anyone wants to get pictures taken of themselves, that’s fine, have fun. My beef are with the women who think by having photo’s of themselves, they are instantly upgraded to international runway models and have to let the world know about their hypocrisy.

NOT on Model Mayhem

After one girl who shall remain nameless posted a link to her Model Mayhem account I knew struck gold, I just had to pan around to find it. Like an old 49er, I went through the site and it only took me 10 minutes to find my top 7.

Speaking of Bobs Big Boy, this beauty listed herself at 126 pounds. To be fair, Model Mayhem didn’t provide a space to fill in on which planet. The dudette abides at Number 7.

Not much allowed in the budget for this aspiring model who is making a push to model for the upcoming season of Doc Martin Uggs. She is the first person ive ever seen look uncomfortable on a hammock.

Alright, you got me. I know I’m supposed to use this section to rip the “models”, but this picture fucking rules. An instant blast to my past when I saw the red wagon. Whatever Company still makes these, it’s their lose if they don’t hire her to model for them. Enough Mr. Nice guy, it’s time to get ugly!

Behold! Teddy Rux-foreskin. I have no idea what the tattoo’s are but it look like something that would come up on a slot machine. Still feel bad for that bear

Heyyyyy Scottie!! Why the long face?

Don’t know what #2 was going for with the twin/gimp shot but it’s a great costume idea if your going as “No dignity” To really appreciate how bitter she is, you have to read a quote from the opening of her Bio.

“I used to be a size 5 then moved on to plus size modeling which is more fun and more exciting then being a skinny model will ever be”

There is so much going on here I don’t know where to start. Trying to process what I’m seeing is making me weak and dehydrated. What are you waiting for Sketchers? You can’t get the rights to use Avatar in your commercials anyway so why not hire AVATARD.

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Reeds Lucky 7: A Tribute to the Mexican Sharpie

Posted on 12/29/2010 by Jake Komara

Now Before anyone decides to raise a stink about it being a Mexican sharpie and not any other race needs to relax. I’m sure it’s not just Mexicans who sharpie up their eyebrows but lets face it, we had no idea this even existed until someone posted this glorious picture on our myspace page years ago.