Sweet Gregory’s Flute! I didn’t think anything of it when a friend of mine told me he saw signs hanging up in San Francisco that warned of judgement day set for May 21st, 2011. I shrugged it off laughing, considering I’m not even a religious person. As the days are drawing closer, I keep seeing more talk of it on Twitter, Facebook, and other social media outlets. Like most people I’m just going through my usual schedule today looking on google to find a local butcher that sells Wild Boar bacon. I clicked a sponsored link on google that said “All types of bacon, up to 70% off”. Instantly, I thought nothing could go wrong with this link. As soon as I clicked the link it rerouted me to another website as if a hacker took over the Macbook and put in the address manually. What the fuckery!?
In seconds I’m on a site called Lightlife.com, a website formed of veggie hipster revolutionists set out to pollute the swine industry by brainwashing real bacon loving Americans into eating a soy protein isolate, wheat gluten, soybean oil, texured soy protein concentrate. Bacon addicts unite, For evil is upon us.
You can even put in your zip code and it will give you the places and addresses’s of local terrorist cells where you can purchase veggie bacon. Trader Joe’s is a place that harbors Veggie Bacon. Just like a drug dealer they try to lure you in. The Lightlife Company calls it “Smart Bacon” giving consumers a trusting sense that by eating this grounded soy shit, you’re making a smart and healthy choice. Nice try Lightlife, but I know whats smart and healthy! Take this for example….
Those are freedom fries covered in bacon smothered in gravy or as I like to call it, U-S-A. Patriotism will only get us so far because this is an evil of a higher power. On May 21st, we shall be seized and carried off, floating into the air. People who are true to their taste buds will find peace with bacon as the sinners will be left on a dark earth with no sunlight, earthquakes, and veggie bacon. Thanks Lightlife.